SP Crack: That's Just Wrong
by NightcatMau
Summary: Ever read an SP story and say 'that's just wrong? Now you will. Reboot of the old stories, mixing in a few other goodies that are just as cracked. Mature readers only, please!
1. Misery

A/N: I don't own Valkyrie, Davina, or Skulduggery. Here Val is in her late 30's, Darquesse and Lord Vile are both dead (because it helps the plot) and she is still partnered with Skulduggery. Skulduggery got rid of his façade (also because it helps the plot). POV is Valkyrie's. Spoilers, obviously.

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I woke up in Gordon's mansion as I had done for over a decade. It had been two weeks since I'd seen Skulduggery, and if I could help it, it would be two weeks more. About eight criminals in a row had sneered something suggestive to me about him, and I just couldn't take one more go of it. Ghastly had called, so had Tanith. They were both doing well and raising a baby, but had some concerns over me. Fletcher Renn would have likely married as well, but fell alongside countless others in what people were calling the Final Battle. _As if any war_ , I thought bitterly, _was the final one_.

Skulduggery was avoiding me as well since our last arrest. Perhaps he'd seen something in my face that day, heard my gasp, or not. I think it was me saying "What in the blinking blue blazes is that supposed to mean?" to the latest leering creep that upset him. I forget he's such an overly proper gentleman at times. Or maybe when I snarled that Skulduggery was old enough to be my great grandfather several times over. Or the comment about not being into necrophilia, but I was having a bad day that day.

He'd been rigid and silent the whole way home. Not even saying goodbye when I got out. Now, thanks to having to fake my own death I had no family to go talk to except for Uncle Gordon. Who of course pointed out I've been snappish around Skulduggery for weeks, and should have apologized. I _had_ apologized, but apparently not well enough.

I mean this is Skulduggery we're talking about. He'd made it clear in subtle ways over the years that I might be his partner and best friend, but that is as far as it went. I didn't figure my venting on a creep would upset him one way or another. It wasn't as if he loved me in return. But now I was alone. I couldn't bear to call him, not if he were that offended. Not after my first and only call was met with stony silence. I picked up my copy of 'Misery' by Steven King. I felt just like the protagonist; trapped by my stupid words.

I was about half way through when I heard a slight tap on my window. No it couldn't be. I looked over, and there was Skulduggery, perched on the sill, head cocked to one side. He was dressed all in black for once, and looked good. No he looked fantastic, I'd missed him so much. I went and opened the window. He stepped in looking at me with an expression I've never seen before on his face. His eyeless sockets bore into me. It made me nervous, so I ducked my head.

"Aren't you going to say you're happy to see me? I _did_ come all this way to see you." He asked, his velvety voice washing over me.

I was startled, he did come all this way, either leaving his disguise in the car or not bothering with it. I looked at him more closely. After several decades I could tell he'd gotten here as fast as possible. But why rush now after two weeks apart? He was waiting for me to say something, anything. But my mouth felt dry. Facing him now scared me more than an enemy we'd ever faced together.

"I'm sorry, Skulduggery, I really am. But eight perps in a row using the same dig? I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean it was bad enough when Davina did it when I was a teenager. But now? Now it's just insulting."

Skulduggery snorted. "Because I'm old enough to be your grandfather several times over, or your sensible abhorrence of necrophilia?"

I surprised myself with the truth. "Be cause I'm almost forty, Skulduggery, even if I do look like I'm eighteen. Pointing out that I'm not, well, normal for my age is sensitive. Not that I want to get married or anything, but I hate the assumption there's something wrong with me if I'm not."

"I shall alert the presses immediately." He said dryly, going over to lounge on my bed. He folded his arms behind his head and peered at me intently.

"You like my new look? I understand black makes you look younger." I realized with a start he'd pocketed his gloves, he never does that. He was smiling at me, looking rather pleased with himself. What, exactly, was he up to? I realized he did want a response and my continued gaping silence was amusing him to no end.

"You look great, Skulduggery. Black suits you."

"Ah, black suits me me because I'm dead, does it?" He was having way too much fun with this, he was most certainly up to something. I went over and sat beside him.

"No it suits you because you are an attractive man, as you always point out, and should dress well." I struggled mightily to keep the heat from rising to my cheeks.

"But I'm a skeleton, Valkyrie." He purred. This was too much. I wondered if he'd managed to get drunk somehow. Skulduggery Pleasant was never this nice.

"It isn't as if," he continued, "you find that sort of thing attractive. Pity, since I know full well you've wanted to kiss me for years." He brought one bony hand to fold over mine. I closed my eyes, this couldn't be happening.

I felt him move, but still couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. Was he having fun with me? Carrying one of his jokes too far? Then I felt his teeth press to my lips and one hand grasp me gently around the waist, the other caressing my hair. When I could open my eyes at last, he was wearing his usual smug expression. "Told you I was right." He boasted. "Of course, I didn't tell you I've wanted that for years as well. Now about the necrophilia-"

I hit him with a pillow before he could say anything else.

* * *

Those two are so cute together!


	2. Misery II

A/N: I don't own Valkyrie or Skulduggery. Val is still in her late 30s same day, same scene.

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Skulduggery fell back on my bed, laughing hysterically. "The look on your face right now, Valkyrie, is priceless. I wouldn't try anything here, after all. One, I'm a proper gentleman, and two, I hear girls like you prefer their dead lovers in a coffin!"

He burst out laughing even harder and I kept swatting him with the pillow, my cheeks flaming bright red in embarrassment. Skulduggery backed up under my assault to suddenly fall out of bed with a yelp. He only found this funnier. "I guess a wooden floor," he wheezed, "is just as good as a pine box." Skulduggery tapped it invitingly, then burst into a new round of laughter, snickering so hard that he couldn't even rise up. He tried repeatedly and made it onto all fours, still chortling.

"Are you drunk?" I asked at last.

He shook his head, and managed at last to rise to his knees, the stand shakily. Still shaking and wheezing he staggered to the bed and sit beside me. "No not drunk. It's just that the look on your face was priceless. I would invite to take you shopping for the coffin with me-"

"Skulduggery!"

"But I know how much you love surprises!" He laughed again, but was clearly worn out. He sagged backwards onto the bed, trying his best to make his expression angelic.

"What makes you think you deserve to be on this bed?" I growled.

"You love me and-"

"And?"

"And you want to jump my bones!"

"So not the right answer, Skulduggery!"

"Vakyrie-"

"Leave, NOW!" Skulduggery nodded, walked to the window and started to climb out. He looked back, started laughing again, and lost his balance. I ran to the window to see him on the ground, once again shaking in helpless laughter. "Skulduggery Pleasant, I HATE you!" I shouted down.

At this his amusement only doubled, and he was rolling back and forth, shaking with his mirth. I slammed the window, locking it. I went to my bed, fuming. Only Skulduggery could take a romantic moment and make a joke out of it! A few minutes passed, then I heard him tapping on the window. I looked over, tempted to leave him out there. But he tilted his head and folded his hands in a prayerful attitude, so I went and let him in. He stepped in, composed now.

He tilted my head up towards him, kissing me deeply, his teeth on my lips making my heart melt for him all over again. He wrapped his skeletal arms around me, and I managed, somewhat shakily to put my own around his neck, not breaking the kiss. We stayed like that for the longest time, and when we parted he looked contrite. "I apologize. You aren't the only one who's nervous about this you know. I promise to behave with proper decorum in the future if you'll still have me."

"This isn't you, winding me up, is it?" I growled, distrustfully.

"No, it was just the idea of you being in love with me. For some reason I found it hysterically funny, I apologize. No one has ever... You are the first woman to suggest such a thing in over four hundred years, you know. Not too many" He kissed me. "beautiful young ladies," He kissed me again. "would find me," Another kiss. "all that worthy of love." He kissed me again, but chastely, holding my hands in his. He stepped away, looking like he didn't want to leave. "Until tomorrow night, Valkyrie Cain." He tipped his hat to me, and was gone out the window. By the time I could move the Bentley was long gone.

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 **Poor Skulduggery was just gobsmacked that Valkyrie loved him in return, hence his fits of hysterical laughter. Plus, he does enjoy teasing her, so it is that too. Don't tell Skulduggery, but Valkyrie loves it when he teases her. Shhh!**


	3. Hot and Cold

A/N: I down own Valkyrie, Lord Vile, or Skulduggery. This is set after the novels, so you pervs out there can calm down about Val's age. OK, this one is meant to be funny. There's only so much Vilkyrie even I can write without getting a serious case of the giggles. And this series is meant for mature readers only. Total crack. Spoilers. Duh.

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Valkyrie was going out later that night and she was happy. True, she normally didn't do happy. She did dark, brooding and angry quite well as a matter of fact. But as she looked at the fuzzy surveillance photo tacked up on her bedroom mirror she had to smile.

Lord Vile was a sex machine, a homicidal sex machine, but he was the ultimate fantasy of countless Necromancers both male and female. She'd even found a small book of erotic stories on him and swiped it from the Necromancy temple.

She laughed to herself as she brushed out her hair wondering if Necromancers really believed half the garbage they'd taught her or they had just watched "Necromantik" one too many times and got hot for dead people. Probably both. She snorted laughter, she sounded like Tanith now. No, Tanith would have said something blatant then offered advice on the date.

Well, not so much a date as hoping Lord Vile would be in a mood to show up. Of course he'd always been in a mood to show up before, but the happier and more satisfied Lord Vile was when he left after a night together, the grouchier and more short-tempered Skulduggery was the next day.

It wasn't like she and Lord Vile had gotten that far yet, though she supposed he could do anything he liked with his shadows or armour. Now wait a second. Hold on there. Wasn't his armour ice-cold? As in painful to put anywhere intimate ice-cold?

Valkyrie frowned. The stories in the book sounded so hot. But come to think of it, she didn't want anything made out of metal and icy cold put anywhere since she'd seen movies where kids got their tongues stuck to flag poles.

 _Yeah, great Val. Get stuck to his flag pole. Skulduggery would be in a darn fine mood then, wouldn't he?_

She sighed and got up, resolving to skip the meeting that night. This after all, could not end well.

* * *

Lord Vile paced, wanting to cut a swath of destruction to Valkyrie's door. Were was she? She was always late, even when he was Skulduggery she was late. Of course he was aware he was Skulduggery, why wouldn't he be?

It should have been obvious to Valkyrie from the terrible mood he'd always been in the next day. He'd been seeing her for almost a year and was waiting rather impatiently to enter the promised land.

He'd even learned recently how to make his shadows warm instead of icy cold, to make his armour softer, warmer, more pleasurable for her to touch. Now where was she?


	4. Tipstaff's Survey

A/N: I don't own Tipstaff, Erskine, Valkyrie, Skulduggery, Ghastly or Tanith. Oh, using the word manwhore for Erskine was XxbeautifulxX134's idea, so thanks!

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Erksine wasn't happy. Here he was in a room with his friends while Tipstaff who had tested the Sanctuary detectives on something or other paced up and down shrieking. Erskine wanted to let it go, he honestly didn't care about the papers, but Tipstaff, having the detectives at long last under his thumb, was enjoying his power immensely.

"You didn't know these surveys were part of your evaluation to work here, did you?" He hissed, waving one under Valkyrie's nose. She only cocked an eyebrow in reply and smirked.

"They were done on computer you idiot, you can't prove who did what." She said and Tipstaff looked ready to slap her. Instead he looked over at Erskine in triumph.

"I have five answers so offensive it doesn't matter who said them. Grand Mage. I know you'll fire the lot of them. Unless somebody wants to own up to each one and save their friends, hmm?"

Erskine just waved a hand and Tipstaff started the interrogation. "No takers? Very well. Be that way. But if the Grand mage is offended by at least one of these, I'm canning the lot of you. And I know the rules, I'm in my rights. First offensive answer. Who here when asked to describe our beloved Grand Mage in two words said, and I quote "Man whore"?"

Ghastly sucked in his cheeks to keep from laughing and the other detectives snickered in quiet agreement. Tipstaff was about to tear into him when Erskine himself laughed. "Guilty as charged. Next offensive answer, Tipstaff?"

"Who said," he began and by now Tipstaff was shrieking like a peacock. Erskine hated it when he shrieked. "Who said when asked what crime would my partner most likely commit "Necrophilia?" Skulduggery turned to look at Valkyrie.

"You know you would." He said smugly, earning a glare.

Erskine laughed. "Keep going, this is the most fun I've had in a long time." He said cheerfully, swinging his feet up on his desk.

Tipstaff looked ill. "All right then, this will surely offend. Who here when asked what our beloved Grand Mage has to give the Sanctuary said, and I quote "VD?" Tanith made a sound like suppressed laughter, but she didn't move.

"Also true, but you ladies go ahead and ignore that." Erskine purred, and he smiled and waved for Tipstaff to continue.

Tipstaff sighed. "Don't you care what any of these people think about you or each other?"

"You've got two more chances, go ahead, you might get lucky." Erskine encouraged, amused.

"Very, well then, Grand Mage, when asked if their partner has done anything indecent to them said, and I quote once again "Only when I pay him." It was Skulduggery turn to glare at Valkyrie who just smiled angelically.

Erskine laughed. "I wondered how you afforded your suits, Skulduggery, now we know." Skulduggery crossed his arms and sulked in reply.

"Final answer then. And one of you must have said this. Who said, and I can barely repeat this. Who said when asked what they would do with their own reflection for a day- I can't the answer is just too offensive."

Erskine grinned broadly. "If it is pick up hot chicks then lock the door to my office all day, that would have been mine. I took the survey too, remember?" Tipstaff, of course, quit that very day.

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 **XD If you want more or want me to pick on specific pairings, let me know, this one has been stuck in my head for months, lol! Comments welcome!**


	5. Ice Cream

A/N: I don't own Darquesse or Lord Vile. It is eight billion-trillion degrees today so some ice cream sounded lovely.

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It was eight-billion trillion degrees on the Dublin streets but Darquesse was behaving for once. She was eating an ice cream cone rather calmly on that sizzling hot day. True, her shadows were dangling one man over an open gap in the broken road that went down for a long, long way, but by and large she was behaving.

Lord Vile was the one being bad. He was wrecking all of Dublin while Darquesse looked on in admiration. She wondered dreamily if he was her boyfriend now. They had stopped fighting after all, so that had to count for something.

He looked so very handsome in his black armour, his shadows swirling around him as he destroyed pretty much everything he saw. One of his shadows lashed out and plucked the ice cream cone out of her hands even though he wasn't looking at her and Darquesse gasped in admiration.

Then of course she wanted her ice cream back, but Vile held it well out of reach, using another shadow to point to a diet book in a shop window. Darquesse's eyes narrowed. "Did you just call me fat?" She hissed and Vile nodded in reply. He really shouldn't have. He really shouldn't.

"Did. You. Call. Me. Fat?" Darquesse roared, rising off the ground, striking out with her own shadows, her now forgotten victim plunging screaming to his death. Vile's gaze seemed to widen in surprise as he hurriedly put up a shield of shadows to block her attack, then started to back up as Darquesse easily speared through it, nicking his armour.

Her eyes were blazing now and she was continuing to scream in a range only women could understand. "Who are you calling fat, you stupid idiot? At least I'm not so ugly that I have to cover my face! Oh, that's right, you don't have a face, do you?" She jeered and Lord Vile held a gauntleted hand up to his chest and pointed to himself in a gesture of hurt surprise. Then she swore his eyes, which she admitted he didn't have, had started to glow red. Oops.

Lord Vile was coming after her then, his shadows slashing, his attitude clearly one of rage. Anything they had between them, she decided, was over. He was way too moody anyhow. She picked up a car with her shadows and proceeded to bash it into him repeatedly.

Lord Vile massed his shadows, then he was behind her, grabbing her by the neck as he raced upwards. Higher and higher he took her, then he flattened out, then he was facing earthwards and power diving ever faster as the streets of Dublin came at her with a roar of rushing wind.

Darquesse waited until the last possible second then massed her own shadows and easily got away just in time to see a horrified Vile smash into the ground face first. That had to hurt. For a moment he stood on end and the sight was so funny she had to laugh.

Then he tipped over with a resounding crash and didn't move. All around her car alarms and sirens blared and she knew they should be going when water started to burst from the ground in geysers from the impact and fire exploded out of several buildings from Vile's rampage.

Darquesse shrugged and turned to find the ice cream vendor had abandoned his cart, so she helped herself to several scoops and a waffle bowl. Then some whipped cream and cherries, and sprinkles. Mmm, what else?

She turned with her treat at a strange creaking sound and a rather smashed Lord Vile tottered up to her, his armour bent and dented. "Now, did you call me fat?" She asked sweetly, and he was shaking his head no. "That's what I thought you said." Darquesse said happily, then walked off with her frozen confection.

* * *

 **Go get 'em, honey! Remember if you don't ask I have no idea what you want. Comments welcome.**


	6. Security Cameras

A/N: I don't own Ghastly, Erskine, Tanith or Valkyrie. This is set after the novels so Val is in her 20s and Tanith is back and Remnant free because it helps the story that's why. WARNING: This chapter contains strong language.

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Tanith and Valkyrie were having a great time window-shopping in the closed mall. They were patrolling, looking for a teleporter who was a danger to magic remaining hidden, given his penchant for appearing on video cameras of places like malls after hours, holding up a sign that read 'Magic is real' then teleporting away.

The women talked as they walked and soon agreed that the best place to be was the security room so they could watch the entire mall and Valkyrie could easily shadow-walk out and detain the teleporter.

Once there they got straight to work easily figuring out the controls for the security cameras and how to adjust the volume of the audio as well. They watched the multiple screens intently, thankful they has earlier stopped to flirt with the security guards and had drugged their coffee so they could go work on the case in peace.

Valkyrie frowned. Instead of walking a patrol like them, or even working on the case Skulduggery, Ghastly and Erskine were sitting at a table in a break room. "Why, the lazy sods." Tanith muttered.

Valkyrie reached over and turned the volume up, curious to see what the men were talking so intently about. The volume came on in time for her to hear Skulduggery speak as he rested his skull on his arms. "This was a great idea to come in here to avoid the women, Erskine. The less time I have to spend with that constantly PMSing bitch of a partner the better." He groaned.

Valkyrie stiffened and Tanith patted her shoulder in sympathy. "It's just guy talk, sis. He doesn't mean anything by it." She soothed.

Valkyrie looked at her and smiled thinly. "Just this morning he told me I was the sweetest girlfriend in the world." She said, her bottom lip trembling.

The women turned back to the monitors when Ghastly snorted loudly. "I'd take a bitch any day of the week so long as she dressed like a lady. I keep making more demure clothes but will Tanith wear them? No, she has to dress like a fantasy novel crack whore."

"I dress like a what?" Tanith hissed. She turned to Val, seething. "Just yesterday he said he liked a sexy, confident woman." She growled out through clenched teeth.

Now had a certain American doctor been there, the one with his own TV show, he'd have told the women not to be upset. That they were eavesdropping and that it was healthy for men to have an outlet for their frustrations. Then Valkyrie would have punched him and Tanith would have kicked him between the uprights before he could say "Now am I right or am I right?" to a fawning audience.

But he wasn't there and the women were _very_ angry. So angry that when they found the control for the electric door to the break room they locked it. They saw the men start, then Erskine tested the door and shook his head.

Since blasting the door open with magic would be counterproductive to a case involving covering up magic Ghastly got out his mobile and rang Tanith, setting his mobile on speaker with a wink to the other men and mouthed "Watch me play her.". The women hurriedly muted the volume on the room before she set her own mobile on speaker and answered in the overly sweet voice women use when they are completely pissed.

Ghastly of course didn't suspect a thing. Men never do. "Tanith? The door to the room we were investigating locked behind us. Could you find the security room and let us out please, sweetheart?"

"Oh, I'm there already darling and I'd love to open the door but I can't." Tanith said sweetly.

Ghastly rolled his eyes, which did nothing to help his situation, nothing at all. "Why not, sweetie?"

Tanith answered in her best airhead voice possible. " Because I'm a fantasy novel crack whore, and I'm way too stupid to figure out this thing here with all the pretty lights and switches. I wish you could come do it, but I guess you can't, you're locked in right? Silly me."

Ghastly sputtered and looked at the other men for support. Skulduggery pointed to himself and sat up straighter. "Valkyrie, darling-" He began, but didn't get to finish.

"I'd love to help you, but I'm a PMSing bitch, remember? And PMSing bitches don't unlock door for anyone!" Valkyrie roared and he cringed into his seat.

Erskine of course had smiled at both men's comments, but had no idea he was being observed. He really wasn't very bright now, was he? "Ladies, why not let me out? I haven't talked about your beautiful clothes or kind hearts and I never would." He said, sure he at least was getting out.

"I don't think I can, Erskine." Tanith began with a wink to Valkyrie. "I walked into your office that time and saw you pitching a tent over Valkyrie's dossier photo." Erskine's eyes bugged out and he shook his head in horrified protest and Skulduggery rose from his chair with a roar.

"You WHAT?" The enraged skeleton demanded. But the Grand Mage could only shake his head in silent denial. Valkyrie of course, began to sob quite convincingly.

"Erskine how- How could you? When I caught you with that old thong Tanith had thrown in the trash you said she was the only one you wanted in a special way and that I'd understand when I got older."

"WHAT?" Ghastly roared, also getting to his feet. The Grand Mage screeched and fled in terror, but there was no escape. The things those men did to him were, of course, simply terrible.

Smiling, Tanith and Valkyrie sauntered out of the control room and out of the mall, content to leave the three men there for the weekend.

* * *

 **MORAL: Do not mess with the women of the Irish Sanctuary.**


	7. Sneak Thief

A/N: I don't own Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Gordon or China. Seriously, own China? I hate the woman to bits and this chapter she gets what she deserves.

* * *

Valkyrie laughed hysterically to herself as she watched China Sorrows sneak into Uncle Gordon's hidden study. Minutes later the sneak thief stole back out, wearing the necklace she had so long coveted and Valkyrie flicked on the lights of the room, staying hidden behind a screen.

China's beautiful face betrayed no emotion, not even surprise, but then she saw him and the necklace began to work its magic. Happily for China this necklace brought true and enduring love to the wearer and the first person they saw after putting it on.

Sadly for China this person was not Skulduggery Pleasant. But he shuffled over to her, stopped over, dragging his rather cumbersome feet. He was seemingly besotted, and China, helpless to resist, took his hand and the happy couple stole away into the night.

* * *

China, seated in the backseat of her limo, was slowly working her way up and down her beloved's neck with kisses, declaring her passion for him. "You are the one I've been waiting for, my dear. The strong, silent type. And you have such big hands, and you know what they say about men with big hands and feet." She giggled coyly and her beloved brought the place his mouth should have been down on hers, those big hands roaming all over her body, making her shiver in delight.

He pulled back looking at her with glowing eyes and China felt herself shiver all over. The car stopped at last and the driver opened her door, seeing her latest paramour for the first time. His face went white with horror. "You're fired!" China snapped at him, and he nodded, seemingly only too happy to go. There were some bounds after all one didn't cross in choosing a lover and species would be one of them.

* * *

China was trying rather unsuccessfully to feed her beloved chocolate dipped-strawberries, but with no mouth his efforts to oblige her were fruitless. Having no mouth, now that was odd. Who would do that to such a gifted and talented man as she was sure he was? "My precious, my darling, my dove." She breathed. "Let me give you the gift of a mouth, then you can tell me all the words you've been longing to."

Her beloved nodded eagerly, after all he did what he was told and he'd been told to obey her every whim and to make love to her. So he didn't even flinch when she murmured a spell as she worked with her tattoo needle and his newly formed mouth fell open.

China Sorrows on the other hand started to scream. She screamed as the green gas escaped her beloved's now open mouth, she screamed as he became a now empty husk in her arms. Because the power of the necklace was that she would be in love with him forever.

But there was hope, wasn't there? All she needed was some duct tape, the gas and a pump and her beloved would be hers again once more. He would be hers. Her Hollow Man, forevermore.

* * *

 **Ah, I am a spiteful and mean-spirited creature at times. Score one for Hollow Man/China, XD! C'mon think up a worse pairing, I dare ya!**


	8. So This Is Love

A/N: I don't own China, Valkyrie, Nye, or Skulduggery. I went with the meanest pairing I could think of: China/Nye. "So This is Love" is a Disney, song, perfect for this pairing.

* * *

China was very excited. She'd found true love at last, and all with a man many thought not capable of emotions. But he had so much going for him that she didn't care about a little thing like emotions. He was tall, with long limbs she found appealing. He had a past as shown by the holes where his eyes and lips had once been sewn shut.

He had a wonderful speaking voice, and once she had taught him just what she liked had proved to be a wonderfully inventive lover. True, she was keeping him chained by the neck in a dungeon, but he truly loved her, at least he said he did, and she'd needed to tell her best friend in the whole world.

"Valkyrie, darling? I've met the most amazing man. Do tell me you can come and meet him. Though I must warn you, he doesn't look like other men." China breathed into her mobile.

She thought she heard Valkyrie gasp in shock, but surely not. Surely Valkyrie, in love with a man as unusual as Skulduggery would accept that her lover was different. "Uh, OK. How about now? Skulduggery's not around and won't be back for hours. I think you know it is better if I visit alone."

"Of course, it will be an utter delight to see you again, my dear. We'll expect you any minute then." She said cheerily and rang off.

* * *

Now Valkyrie Cain stood looking into the cell where China's lover dwelt, in numb silence. "Are you high? You're in love with it?" She asked, looking upon Nye's ugly form in revulsion. The thing grinned at her, showing way too many teeth.

"Well yes, my dear, I am. Isn't it exciting? And he is indeed a he not an it. I found out the nice way." China almost sang and Valkyrie put a hand to her mouth, trying to not be sick.

China fluttered about her in concern. "Are you unwell, my dear? Oh, I should not have asked you to come, only I thought you might like to know I'd found true love at last. China Sorrows is off the market." She said proudly.

Valkyrie nodded and managed a shaky smile. "That's wonderful China, really. I hope you're both very happy. I've got to go now, you two have fun." Then she escaped as quickly as she could.

* * *

China cooed in at Nye and he grinned at her. She was well aware he'd kill her if he could, but he'd change his mind in time. At first it had been an experiment of her own magical skills, bringing him back the way she did, then a mystery to solve.

How could any man alive resist her charms? That Nye could made her want to find out why. "You know darling, you do truly love me." She called in and he laughed.

"I don't feel any emotion, you know that." He said and his grinned widened.

"So not true, you are delighting in tormenting me now, aren't you?"

Nye frowned. "A good point. But I like torturing people."

"So do I. We will make a wonderful pair." China declared, waving the keys to his cage temptingly in front of him and Nye whimpered in anticipation.

He hadn't even been aware he was able to do anything with a woman until he'd woken up here, and now his captor was using his body whenever she felt like it. Then China was unlocking the door and murmuring certain word while her tattoos glowed and he forgot all about being unhappy over being used for a long, long time.

* * *

 **Barfed on our keyboard, did we? Pretty much my reaction when I wrote it.**


	9. The Cabaret

A/N: I don't own Ghastly or Françoise. I'm pan so no insult is meant by this. I just happen to find the idea hilarious. Probably because I am pan.

* * *

Ghastly was having a fine time in France!

He'd been introduced into the French cabarets by the lovely and intriguing Françoise and now he was experiencing the world in a whole new way. He'd never so much as kissed a girl, well maybe once, but now he knew knew a singer and the thought excited him.

Françoise was currently on stage singing something rather romantic in French. Ghastly couldn't make out a blessed word of it, but he didn't much care. She was wearing a rather racy dress for a Victorian woman, and her exposed cleavage heaved as she hit certain notes.

Ghastly, three sheets to the wind on champagne (he'd never really drank before either) stared at her dreamily, his chin propped in his hands. He couldn't wait for her song to end so he could be with her once again.

To kiss her delicate hand, or even daring to go so far as to capture her ruby red lips with his. He wondered what it would feel like to take her in his arms and kiss her and tonight with her directing so many of her songs to him, he would find out.

Backstage Ghastly pressed his way through the throng of admirers to get to Françoise's room. She was as enthusiastic as ever to see him, whipping up her fan until he could only see her heavily made up eyes. "Now, now, mon chéri. You must wait until your darling Françoise has dressed. Perhaps you'd like a bite."

Ghastly grinned at her goofily and sat down at the small table she'd had prepared for them. He had no idea that even as he did the Dead Men were searching for him. Why should he, when he was caught up in his first real romance?

He nibbled at this and that, starving, but wanting to wait for his beloved chanteuse. She had dark curly hair, the most delicate of hands and perfume wafted in her wake. Even her adam's apple was pretty, and he'd only just seen that due to her beaded necklace being off. Then he giggled to himself. Women didn't have adam's apples.

The though brought Ghastly to his senses. Françoise wasn't a man, was she? The door banged open and Skulduggery walked in. What was he doing here? Skulduggery stared at him hard, as several other Dead Men filed into the room, most of them trying not to laugh.

"Told you we'd find the village idiot here. We've been searching for you for two days, Ghastly, all weekend. I knew a dumb county boy like you with no experience in the world would end up in a cabaret featuring female impersonators. Well, come along then, before he makes a man out of you." Skulduggery said.

A stagehand stepped in, squirming through the knot of Dead Men that were now laughing hysterically. "Hey, Francis! What dress you want for tomorrow night? The red one or the blue one?" He asked, and a very male head, sans the wig and pretty makeup peered out at him.

"Mm, red one." Francis looked over at Ghastly and winked, then blew a kiss at him and laughed. Ghastly couldn't get out of the cabaret fast enough.


	10. The Hat

A/N: I don't own Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Darquesse, Ghastly, Anton or Saracen. Val's in her 20s, obviously.

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant was arguing with Darquesse again. The other Dead Men sighed. Ever since Valkyrie had been outed (and you can take that however you want, sugar) and agreed to fight with them as Darquesse the two had been snarling insults at one another. Half the time Skulduggery started it, OK, he stared it all the time and if you've read the novels you know that is so true. Darquesse of course had clearly had enough.

"I said shut up, Skulduggery!" She barked and Skulduggery snarled in return, then the two were rolling around the campsite like they usually did, trading punches. Ghastly sighed and grabbed Skulduggery as Anton grabbed Darquesse. They pulled the two apart but it didn't help matters because Skulduggery just wouldn't shut up. I mean seriously, when does he ever?

"You know, Darquesse, your clothes are ugly." He taunted in glee.

"What. Did. You. Say?" Darquesse ground out through clenched teeth and Ghastly hoped she'd hit Skulduggery. He really did. They were the clothes he had made, after all.

"I said your clothes are ugly, but then, so are you." Skulduggery teased. The Dead Men, having common sense, ran, leaving the pair alone. Amazingly, Darquesse didn't lash out with her shadows. She didn't pull Skulduggery apart or grind him into dust. Instead she did something worse, a lot worse. The squeamish should turn away now. Seriously. Turn away, that's it.

Darquesse smiled a sweet smile. The kind of smile women get on their face when they feel homicidal and are reeling men in. Skulduggery, thinking all was well swaggered up to her and snapped his teeth in her face. He was after all flirting with her, just doing a really rubbish job of it.

Darquesse looked at him, then took his hat. Skulduggery got rather nervous. "Ugly, huh?" She asked, toying with the hat and he would have gulped if he could have. "Both me and my clothes, huh?" She continued, her grip on the hat going tight. Skulduggery thought he might swoon.

"I was flirting with you and doing a rubbish job of it?" He offered hopefully, sadly Darquesse didn't believe him. Well she did, but she was Darquesse. So of course she had to get revenge. She brought up her shadows and was playfully tossing Skulduggery's hat in the air with them.

Up and down it went, up and down, until she missed and it fell it a mud puddle. "Aww, let me get that for you, sweetie." she said, then used her shadows to drag the hat through the mud, ruining it, then through some brambles to dunk it in the nearby river. Then onto the fire to dry it out.

She then took the muddy, bramble-filled, sodden and charred mess and slapped it firmly back on Skulduggery's skull. "All better." She sang. Darquesse laughed then, her usual evil laugh, because let's admit it, she is evil, and walked away.

Skulduggery peeled off his hat with a wail of despair. The clothes made the man and his hat finished off his suit. He through the whole sodden mess in the fire and sat down heavily. It broke his heart to loose his hat, his wonderful hat. And getting his heart broken made Skulduggery angry, so I'm sure you all know where this is going.

Skulduggery stood up with a roar and where Skulduggery had stood Lord Vile was now standing. Neat trick, huh? A rather angry Lord Vile that caught up with Darquesse and used his shadows to rip her beloved coat off of her. A coat he then sliced to ribbons in front of her horrified eyes with said shadows.

Then the two were rolling on the ground and trading punches, as usual.

Ghastly, looking on from a safe distance with the other Dead men sighed. "Why doesn't he just tell her he loves her?" He asked, exasperated.

Saracen snorted. "He has, and she told him. That's how those two get along. The last time the actually argued they leveled four blocks in Dublin, remember?"

"Right you are. Let's leave them to it then."

"Yes, let's."

* * *

 **OK, that should be it.**


	11. Because I Got High

A/N: I don't own Melancholia, Valkyrie or Skulduggery. Valkyrie is in her 20s here. "Because I Got High" is a song by Afroman.

* * *

Melancholia was happy to be awake and cured at last. The only problem was, she couldn't remember a thing about her past. Nada, zip, zero. But she figured she must have liked girls because she'd giggle and stutter and blush when Valkyrie visited her. "You're beautiful. Would you go out with me?" She asked shyly one visit and Valkyrie looked shocked, then flattered.

"Yes, I'll go out with you! Where and when?" She asked, grinning and blushing slightly.

"Uh, I can't remember anywhere, so you pick?" She asked hopefully and Valkyrie nodded. A skeleton came in and when Valkyrie told him about the date he just stared at her.

"Are you high on crack?" He asked at last, and when she nodded and giggled he relaxed. "Well, it makes sense then. Melancholia's being discharged, enjoy the date, ladies." He walked out of the room, laughing to himself. Melancholia couldn't remember what crack was, but if it made Valkyrie this friendly she was all for it.

A short time later they were in a fast food place, admiring all the swirling colours while they ate. Melancholia saw burgers talking to the people who ate them, but they didn't seem to mind so she didn't either. Whatever chronic was, and those funny little tablets, she was feeling fine. "So, does everyone at the Sanctuary do drugs?" She asked, thinking it had to be an awesome place to apply to work if they did.

"Yeah, it's pretty much the only way we can stand working there. The place is so boring, you know? Until you. I'm so baked I don't even remember your name though." She said giggling, and Melancholia felt like giggling too, so she did.

"It's- It's- I don't remember!" She said, laughing so hard she fell out of the booth. She staggered to her knees, got back in and nibbled on her fries. "So, like everyone?" She asked again in awe.

Valkyrie nodded. "Yeah, I'm really baked, like I said, but there's this dude that drinks nothing but ganja tea. Man is he mellow. Most of the time. Some of the time he runs out and drinks regular tea, then he's a real grouch. Hey baby, what's your name again?" She asked, petting Melancholia's arm.

"I still don't know." Melancholia giggled. The girls laughed and giggled their way through lunch then staggered out to Valkyrie's car. Melancholia looked looked at Valkyrie, bit her lip, then took the plunge and kissed her. "Wow." She said when they parted. Only they didn't part so much as they drove back to the mansion to party for two days straight.

When Melancholia really came to in Valkyrie's bed the young mage was staring at her. "Melancholia, what are you doing here?" She hissed and when Melancholia started to cry and blubber and whine about thinking she'd found her one true love at last Valkyrie just stared at her.

Melancholia grabbed Valkyrie's hand. "Look, we're wearing promise rings, that has to mean something to you." She begged. Valkyrie looked ready to punch her and Melancholia flinched back, then Valkyrie smiled a wicked smile.

"Make me breakfast. Pancake, eggs, bacon, sausage, the works. Then you can clean the mansion."

Melancholia looked at her in utter adoration. "Yes, dear!"

* * *

 **Yeah, don't do drugs, because drugs are bad, m'kay?**


	12. Crazy Much?

A/N: I don't own Skulduggery, Tanith, Ghastly, or Valkyrie. Here Val is about twenty and going crazy. A lot crazy. Silly, stupid, fluffy, one-shot. I love Val to pieces, that's why I'm picking on her. Repost of an older story by reader request.

* * *

Valkyrie felt so much better now. A LOT better. True, it hurt when Skulduggery told her he needed to think about marrying her, but she understood. She understood so much she didn't mind when he said they should spend less time together. She'd even happily agreed not to see him for two whole months! Because she understood. Yep, yep.

Now she was giddy as she surfed the Internet, looking for just the special person, the one person that would make everything OK. And there he was. All three thousand Euros worth of him, but he was worth it. She could tell he'd be a MUCH better friend than Skulduggery ever was. Plus he was American. He'd have a cute accent.

Happily she typed in the digits to her credit card, even ordered expedited shipping. He'd need clothes too of course. She wished she could just have Ghastly make some, but Ghastly would most likely not understand. So she ordered some, figuring big was OK.

This separation from Skulduggery was going to be the best thing ever, she nodded happily to herself. Any time Tanith called Valkyrie had upbeat music playing in the background, and Valkyrie made sure to tell her about her new friend coming from America. People from the Sanctuary had even spotted Valkyrie dancing around in a music store, or bopping down the street to her music player.

In anyone thought it was a tad wrong to see the formerly serious detective so gleeful, they just shrugged. Maybe she had Surged, it was known to change people at times. Maybe a magical high was running through her veins. Valkyrie spent the few days she had before her new friend's arrival shopping, loading up on tons of films, food, and everything else she thought she'd need. She made sure to wave to everyone she saw from the Sanctuary, because she was so happy! She wanted to make sure EVERYONE knew how happy she was.

There were candles to get, and roses to order the day of his arrival. She didn't suppose he could eat much, but she even

* * *

The day came and Valkyrie waited until she had signed and the truck drove away before manipulating the air to take her package inside. Now where to open it? This was so exciting, was he OK? Could he breathe in there? She guessed he didn't need to breathe, but this was her very best friend EVAHS! She had to get him out quickly. So she settled on the living room opening the box quickly, and stood back to look down at her new friend in awe. Did he tilt his head at her? Yes, yes he did! She squealed and drug him out of the box, wrapping him in a great big hug. Then she remembered they had just met, so she let him go. Her new friend fell down! He seemed to have trouble standing on his own, but that was OK. She understood.

She happily helped him up, and over to the couch. She put in a movie, chattering excitedly to him about what good friends they would be. She sat down and her new friend leaned into her. Valkyrie giggled. She shifted so he would be more comfortable, and he fell sideways right into her lap! So she stroked his smooth head for hours, talking, constantly talking. Because he couldn't talk, but that was OK, she understood. Plus, she had a plan.

* * *

After a few days Valkyrie figured her new friend was perfect. She'd taped a voice-activated player in his chest and he could talk! True he could only say 'yes' but that was OK. Skulduggery almost never said yes.

She was enjoying herself so much that when her mobile did ring and it was Skulduggery, she turned it off. Skulduggery wasn't a real friend, not like Derik. She knew his name was Derik. Because Derik could talk, and Derik had told her his name. Yep, yep. Derik also told her he loved her, and not to talk to Skulduggery ever again. But that was OK because she and Derik were bestest friends EVAHS!

She updated Tanith daily with the good news.

* * *

Two weeks later, Valkyrie was awakened by pounding on the front door of Gordon's mansion. Oh, goody! Derik's clothes must be here at long last. She'd forgotten all about them. She bounced down the stairs singing 'So This is Love' to herself. How happy she was! Because she'd not only got a best friend out of Derik, but he wanted to marry her too. Wait until she told Tanith!

She opened the door with a happy grin, tilting her head up slightly to look at the man in front of her. He had waxy skin, and brown hair. His jade green eyes looked like they couldn't focus for some reason. But she was sure he was a lovely man. He was wearing a dark blue suit just like she had ordered Derik. "Good morning, Sir! May I help you?" Valkyrie asked helpfully.

"Valkyrie? It's me, Skulduggery."

"Sorry, I don't know any Skulduggery. I have to go now, Derik is missing me." She went to close the door, but the man caught it in a gloved hand and pushed his way in. He reached up and tapped his collarbones and his face flowed away, revealing a skull underneath. How interesting!

"You have nice clavices," she told the man, "but Derik's are much better." The man stared at her. His jaw moved but no words came out. "You're funny." She giggled.

The man made the funny movement with his jaw again, still no words coming. Valkyrie grabbed his hand, dragging him into the living room to meet Derik. The funny man looked at Derik and his jaw fell open. He made a few strange sounds, looking back and forth between Valkyrie and Derik. "See? He's a skeleton like you! He can talk though and you honestly don't seem to say much. What's that Derik? Oh, Derik said to close your mouth and stop staring, it's rude. He doesn't like you much, and frankly I don't know who you are, so you have to go now. Bye, bye."

With that Valkyrie walked the nice man to the door, pushing him out and locking it behind him. She laughed and laughed, and laughed. He was a funny, funny man. Taking out her mobile, and still giggling, she dialed Tanith's number.

"Valkyrie?"

"Oh my God, Tanith, it worked! Skulduggery fell for it! You should have seen the look on his face!"

Laughter erupted from Tanith's end, then she composed herself. "You better go tell him it's a joke, I'm sure he didn't get far."

Valkyrie rang off and went to the front door, opening it. He hadn't got far, he sat on the front step with his head down. Skulduggery looked back over his shoulder at her, and his jaw moved again without speaking. Valkyrie smiled and went to sit beside him. "What's the matter, Skulduggery, can't you take a joke?" She asked.

He sputtered, the got up a little too quickly. Valkyrie jumped up and back, laughing. If anyone in town thought a laughing girl being chased down the streets by a roaring skeleton throwing fireballs at her was odd, they didn't say much.

* * *

 **Gotcha! My, my, the ladies sure can play some good jokes on Skulduggery, can't they?**


	13. MeritoriousMelovent

A/N: I don't own Meritorious or Melovent. This is the alternate dimension Meritorious and Melovent from KOTW, by the way. This is supposed to be FUNNY. I'm gay, remember? We figured it would be the WORST pairing, evahs. So enjoy! Repost by reader request, figured it belonged here.

* * *

Meritorious sighed. They always had some new form of torture, but this had to be a first. They had allowed him to bathe, made sure he was fed, and gave him new clothing. His cell was cleaned, even scented with violets, which he personally found revolting. All the other prisoners had been cleared out, and he wondered if they had all been executed.

He shrugged to himself, ignoring the pain doing it while suspended caused. It didn't really matter, he supposed. He heard the door to the dungeon open and soon enough Melovent strode into sight. _Oh, goody._ Meritorious noted he was wearing his armour, complete with the screaming face that Meritorious had always personally found to be quite silly. Though he had to admit the man had a presence about him.

Melovent opened the cell door and walked in, the eyes behind his mask boring straight into Meritorious's. Meritorious met his gaze, for the Grand Mage was not easily intimidated, and as far as he was concerned, never defeated. "Come for the book again, have we? Let's skip the torture this time since I can assure you you'll never get it." He said, bravely.

"I'm not here for the book, I'm here for you." Melovent said, brining up a hand to stroke the Grand Mage's hair. "What if I told you I wanted something else from you, something I think you're willing to give me?" Melovent leaned in and kissed him through his mask, the Grand Mage's lack of response causing him to draw back.

"I'd say this place has already driven you insane, congratulations, dear boy."

Melovent's eyes flashed behind his mask. "Don't call me boy! I'm offering you your freedom if your wise enough to accept me."

"Me, take a mere child as a lover? You disappoint me, Melovent. Now run along to your colouring books and crayons and let the nice old man die in peace."

Melovent started to shake in anger. He turned on his heel and left, the dungeon door slamming behind him. Meritorious smiled into his beard. He hadn't had a lover for centuries and truly had little interest in taking one now, but it would be fun to torture Melovent in return.

* * *

Meritorious had been unchained, fed and left unchained, though the door to his cell stayed locked and he was wearing metal cuffs that bound his magic. He had to admit Melovent was persistent and the younger man was pulling out all the stops. The Grand Mage had refused to return his affections for two weeks now, though he did allow his captor to kiss and caress him without resisting.

He grinned into his beard again. Sometimes being old was a great deal of fun. He had the restraint not to respond a younger man would have lacked, and the frustration that poured off of Melovent always caused him the greatest of joy. The door to the dungeon opened and his captor strode in again, still dressed in the ridiculous armour Meritorious supposed was meant to impress him. He met the eyes behind the mask, amusement dancing in his own.

"Ready to give up yet, dear boy? I'm far too old to have any interest in responding." That was a lie, but seeing Melovent fall to his knees was the funniest thing the Grand Mage had witnessed in a long time.

"You have to." Melovent rasped, reaching out to grasp the bars of the cell, his armoured forehead pressed tightly against them. "I can't take this any more!" He was trembling with his emotions and desire, and the Grand Mage barely suppressed his laughter.

"All right, Melovent, if you insist. I'll bed you, but I want you to kill all the prison guards before I do. Come to think of it, everyone else in the building. You do that for me, and I'll know you're mature enough to be my lover." He made sure to put the sexiest purr possible into his voice, and his would-be lover jumped up, clearly delighted.

Melovent left to fulfill his future lover's desires, and the Grand Mage had to again suppress his laughter as the screams started to ring out. Soon they would be all alone, and that is exactly what he wanted.

* * *

Melovent returned hours later, not even winded by his killing spree, this time he entered the Grand Mage's cell boldly, tearing off his armoured mask, before grabbing the older man, kissing him with all the pent up passion he had in him. The Grand Mage held off any response, pulling back to look at his captor. "You know, in my day, I could do simply amazing things to a man with my magic. But of course if you don't trust me-"

The cuffs were quickly torn from his wrists, and The Grand Mage smiled broadly. He placed his hand over Melovent's armoured heart, sending a surge of power right through to the heart itself. His captor gasped, staggering back to fall to his knees.

Melovent looked at him. "Why? You said you'd be my lover."

The Grand Mage laughed at long last as his captor slumped over, life flickering out of his eyes. "I lied."

* * *

 **Wheee! Hope you liked it, I had a blast writing it.**


	14. The Gift

A/N: I don't own Skul or Val. Val is in her 20s, I guess. Um, this idea came to me on the bus and I'm really, extremely, truly sorry? No, I'm not, mwhahahaha. Again, I love Val to bits, and this is soooo wrong, but yeah. That's me. There be spoilers ahead.

* * *

Valkyrie couldn't believe it. Skulduggery had invited her to his house on Christmas Day to pick up her gift. And he never did that. They always exchanged gifts at the pier. So she wondered as she drove over what it could possibly be, visions of her very own Bentley dancing in her head.

Skulduggery met her at the door and hugged her briefly, then tilted his head in a smile. "I was feeling rather festive this year, so I got you two gifts. Do you have mine?" He rubbed his gloved hands together in eager anticipation and Valkyrie handed him the rather obvious gift of cologne. But it was in a skull-shaped bottle so she knew she'd get bonus points for that.

They went into one of the living rooms and Valkyrie saw the two packages waiting for her. "You know how I never give gifts after the holiday?" He asked and Valkyrie nodded, eager to tear into them. The green box is an old gift, but it still counts." Valkyrie tore into the wrapping, eager to see what he'd gotten her. And she came up with a dog collar.

A black leather dog collar studded with metal spikes big enough to fit her and Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery. "What is this?" She asked, holding the collar in one hand and feeling her temper rise.

"A dog collar. For you, my little puppy, so we can remember the good times when you used to follow me around." Valkyrie glared at Skulduggery and tore into her second gift. A black leather leash and a muzzle. "You better run, bonehead!" She roared as she got up, snapping her fingers and gathering flames in both hands.

Skulduggery laughed. "Want to try them on?" He offered and Valkyrie was chasing him with a roar, lobbing fireballs at him and the two friends couldn't have been happier.

* * *

 **And just think, I don't have to be on drugs to write this way. Unless you count caffeine, then yes, yes I am.**


End file.
